Am I Momma?? Am I Momma still??
I sit in the dark, blank; just an empty slate with nothing on it.
Here I am, waiting patiently for somebody to come downstairs and turn on the light,
And to turn on the switch inside my head.
Will anyone please see me?? I am here… please somebody, please see me!
I lost the ability and know-how to flip my switch to on awhile ago… this switch to turn myself on,
So, the lights inside my head will shine so others can see me & so I’ll know where I am.
Alzheimer's Disease Came One Day & Stole it All from Momma
Alzheimer’s disease visited me one day and decided on a permanent stay, gifting me with forgetfulness & confusion.
But when it happens, what I know disappears into a thick pea soup fog, rendering me useless;
Only I don’t know that I don’t know, as my mind muddles through like thick mud & I end up befuddled.
Never aware when this occurs, I go totally dark inside and become an endlessly blank shell… totally empty.
I apologize because I know something not good happens and it embarrasses me, also making me feel ashamed.
And I know I’m nowhere near what I once was, making me feel sorry for my loved ones as they endure this.
Befuddled Remembering Bits & Pieces
Sometimes bits and pieces of different events flood my feeble mind, so I put them all together into one big puzzle.
I fill in the Swiss cheese holes that remain with vast imaginations still left inside my head.
The only thing is, I believe it all is real & this hobbled together reality of bits & pieces become my new truth.
Don’t argue this, or anything with me because you won’t win… I won’t let you win because I said so.
My new logic is illogic… only thing is, I don’t know that. I don’t know what is real and what isn’t.
My version is the only real version to me… over and over and over…
Momma Deep in the Engulfing Sea of Forgetfulness
I move things around, forget where they are and put them in inane places, but move them I must.
Also, I keep forgetting what you just told me 50 times or what I just told you 50 times 50.
It is all new to me each time I hear it, as my mind is often an empty shell with nothing in it
Except one big, continuous, never-ending blank… infinite nothingness, if you will.
So, in my blank shell, inside and out, who knows what I’m thinking… or if I think at all.
So, what was that you were just telling me?? Did you say something to me?? Is anyone there??
Written by Trease L Carpenter on 21 February 2014
This poem was written on 2-9-2014, after Momma came for a visit in December 2013, before I wrote Momma’s Song on 7-13-2017. Momma spent Christmas 2013 with my husband, our kids, one of my brothers and me. It was one of the best Christmases ever!